72:90 :: Human Tendencies

yesterday(4.28.09) i had to pick up this perscription from my doctor... she told me that it would be harsh on my tummy and to eat before i take it &. if i could take it before bed. so i made a mad dash to Target bcuz they had Lean/Hotpockets on sale 4 for $8 &. went &. picked up an old friend... well what the doctor should've told me was take these pills at a time when you wont be doing anything put breathing bcuz youre going to be in some SERIOUS pain... 
As im taking my amigo home my stomach starts to hurt, but i figure i could make it home before it got too bad... nope.! didnt happen. i was like 5 minutes away from my house before i had to pull over and take and "spit" well thats what i THOUGHT it was and at first i did JUST spit.!! but then my stomach got the best of my and that Lean Pocket decided it didnt want to sit well &. everything just came up. now as all of this is going i noticed a white doge stratus driving by what i didnt notice that the car turned around.!
while i was preparing to gurdy up and drive the last 5 minutes home the stratus pulls up next to me and a woman asks me to roll down my window, so i follow though she proceeds to ask me, "if im okay.?" and i explain that its just my medicine making me a little ill and that i was okay. she then asked if i was sure and if "i needed to go to the hospital or anything.?" and i again said i was fine, and that i was "right down the street from my house." 
once i got home &. was safe in my bed i went over everything in my head &. the woman in the stratus was the one thing that brought a smile to my face... it was a re assuring feeling to know that no matter how mean people get, no matter how selfish the world is, or how me me me people are there are still some people out there that are human. with human feelings and emotions. humans that still know right from wrong &. see the clear difference between good &. evil... so thank you to the woman in the white Doge Stratus where ever you are for stopping what you were doing to make sure i was okay.!

66:90 :: over it...

im soooooooo tired of NOT seeing my bestfriend idk what ot do with myself.!! & thats all im going to say about that.!!!

54:90 :: OH NO.!

uggggh.! why you have to leave the way you did.? and why did i have to be soo nosey.? now here i am back to the Schae from October 2008... "out of sight out of mind" my ass.!! its NOT true what so ever... dont you understand how much i missed you &. how unfair all of this was.?  leaving without an explanation... in WHAT world is that okay.? who does that, and is able to live with it like it doesnt hurt somewhat.... didnt you get it.? im different, special, unique, fun.! and instead i was passed off as if i was typical, normal, or average... ugggh.!! i hate the way i feel about you and this situation, i hate that i didnt get to say anything about the way things happend, i hate how HARD it was to pretend like i didnt care anymore, and even more i hate how i feel now....now that you're around. i wont say back because you will never be back, the route you took to leave was on a one way street, a choice again made by you not me... typically id dance when my feelings &. emotions get the best of me... but w. you.? youre different, &. i cant deal with this... all i want to do is lay in my bed &. let my mind consume me with emotion... but i cant let myslef go back there, not again, not now, i have to much going on to walk around like a zombie for another 2 months.!! &. i could lie &. say i never want to talk to you again, but i couldnt stop talking to you if i tried... now im just here sleepless, thoughts racing, &. doe eyes full of tears... so now what.?

Dance:

hmmmm....

dance /dans/ v. &. n. 1. move rhythmically to music, alone or with a partner or in a set, usu. in fixed steps or sequences to music. 2. skip or jump about; Move in a lively way 3. preform 4.MOVE up and down (on water) 5. MOVE (esp. a child) up and down...

NOWHERE in that Oxford/Websters definition does it mention ANYTHING about "must be done correctly in order to be called dance" nor does it say something along the lines of "must be understandable &. preformable by ALL people before it can be called dance"

so my question is this....
who are you to tell me im doing it wrong.?!

34:90 :: closed mouths dont get fed.!

well apparently they do now a days.!!! im sitting here at my bestfriends house... you know Ashley Lynnae, you know the one on Culture Shock Las Vegas with the curly hair that stupid sick,the one thats not just limited to hip-hop but jazz and ballet yea that's right Kim(Toshi's) ex.girlfriend yea her.! MY BESTFRIEND... and all i can think about is how i didnt say anything and now im dealing with more than my thoughts were able to process... i feel like i was writing a essay and someone in my class went behind my back and turned it in disreguarding the fact that it was only the ROUGH DRAFT.!!!!!!!! and the sad part about is i think they forgot that you have to give to get... so when i gave my time to you when you called me in the middle of the night about the other her... i didnt think THIS is what i would get in return... but hey life is all about surprises right.? well peep game.. dont be surprised when i start acting like the royal bitch that i really am... you brought this upon yourself... &. if you feel like you were doing it to help me i didnt need you help, no not at all.. what i needed was time to get my thoughts together before i said something... because as we can all see from my long list of blogs that i dont have any issue putting my thought on paper let alone getting them organized to do so... &. maybe next time when im not feeling so hungry ill keep my mouth open so that way im not fed with your bullshit.!!!

misery loves company & im not spending time with no one.!!!

27:90 :: Mother Knows Best

Frantonia Pollins.. oh how i lo ve my mother... the voice of reason.!! FiNALLY after all this back and fourth with my room mate and all that... my mom talked to her and made her see things from my point of view... & with good reason, i called her at 8.30 this morning and she's getting way more than tired of this.! and i can fully understand why... so the short version of the story is i am currently staying in my current living situation & my room mate will be talking to her boyfriend so that an arrangement can be made finanically along with his living arrangements...

in the meantime i feellike ahuge weight has been lifted from my shoulders right now... an it feels wonderful.!! i dont have too much else to say about the situation other than this... so im gonna end this now & keep things short & sweet.!!

24:90 :: sun shine

Wow.!! these past 4 days have been eventful...from being sick &. having incredible stomach pains... to my emergancy trip to UMC &. getting the WORST news EVER in my whole 20years.!! it has been eventful not just for me but even some of the people im close to...

With all things being said &. done i have been remined that every cloud has a silver lining &. after the storm is over the sun starts shining again.!!

my sun started shining this morning first when i realized instead of me trying to find a room mate why dont i just go live w. Jem Adonis &. Ben.? and let Shadeah figure her own shit out.!! (hahahaha.!! now whos a rude selfish bitch.?!!)

the 2nd shining of sun came when i was reminded by a friend that im not the only one having a bad day &. that i should visit fmylife.com &. oh boy did that make my day.!! 

FiNALLY the last but most important one came when my hubby aka Jasmine came to my job w. L&L, flowers, &. a card.!! it REALLY made me happy... only because in 20 years of life &. 17years of dancing ive NEVER had someone bring me flowers... chocolate, teddy bears, even jewelry.!! but no flowers... so shes the first &. i will ALWAYS remember that.!! i love you Jasmine.!!

all in all my day has been good... it will be great later on when i get to see one of my favorites... JAWKEEN.!! hes teaching HiFi tonight i cant effin wait.!!

23:90 :: Red Chucks

the title has NOTHING to do w. this blog i just liked my shoes... i wish things could be that simple... where new shoes just made all the bad things go away... well im still on the hunt for a roomate &. its getting more &. more difficult; aside from that i yet again have found out that niggas [not men &. yes theres a difference.!] NIGGAS cant be trusted...

i know im typically a fan for details but this one wont have any... except that this is a detrimental life altering &. burdening experience... in other words its really really bad.!! so bad that it has me crying unexpectedly no matter where i am... &. the ish SUCKS.!! i know i said these next 90 days were going to be a learning experience but damn i didnt think this was going to be apart of the lesson...

&. as for you (even though i know you probably will NEVER read this...) i dont hate you... hate has never been a word of choice for me &. it definitly isnt an emotion that i can stir up, but that doesnt mean im not hurt nor does that mean you can just ignore the situation; bcuz im not the only one that has to live w. this... although you should since it was YOUR decision in the first place...

18:90 :: Like a Boy

hmmm... so yesterday while i was at work &. i recieved a text message from an old "friend" &. he immediately began to question me about where i was what i was doing &. why i hadnt called/talked to him; actually his exact words were

"hi stranger"

i had to surpress my superfluous laughter 1. because i was at work but 2. i was in the restroom plus i knew it would echo.! &. 3. because i could only imagine the look on his face if i would've told him

"well actually after seeing 'He's Just Not That Into You' i deleted every guys phone number other than family bcuz im tired of the flip flop callin mr when you feel like it bullish.!"

anyway... my response was clear &. simple "ive been busy", now for some they would've just taken that as a sufficient answer &. left it alone, but no not this character.! that wasnt enough for him...he wanted every detail so after running off everything from waking up, going to sleep &. everything inbetween his response was a simpler than the question...

"Oh..."

but i could tell he didnt expect me to actually be telling the truth...
so after giving him the

"im busy"

deal i began to rethink of EVERY SINGLE TIME a guy i was interested in gave me the same

"im busy"

&. how often i took that in stride never thinking to question the reason... i quickly canceled the feelings of doubt as i remembered that

"im busy" is another word for "asshole" &. asshole was another word for all the guys that 'just werent into me'"

as the doubt flowed out relief &. content rushed in... bcuz for the first time EVER i knew how it felt to act like a boy... so this morning on day 18 of my 90 day hiatus i can be proud to say the shit really works as long as you set your mind to it.... so pick up "He's Just Not That Into You" or "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man" a highlighter, a blanket &. your favorite snack &. enjoy the ride... i promise its well worth it.!!

Stephen R. Covey said...

"If we keep doing what we're doing, we're going to keep getting what we're getting."

16:90 :: roundabout

wow.! today was one of those days where i really felt like i didnt belong... so after my AMAZING SD weekend.! i got back to vegas &. was quickly reminded of the bullshit i go through.! &. how often people say they will, can, are gonna &. DONT &. it REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off.!

15:90 :: care

Care: (v.) 1. to be concerned about, have an interest in 2. to look after 3. to be mindful of 4. polite or formal way to say want
(n.) 1. a concern or responsibility 2. the career/subject of looking after people 3. not looked after by parents or foaster parents

what a misleading word... personally i think care is worse than love... before a person can love you they have to actually care about you... &. if they dont care then they cant love... so love me all you want but care about me &. ill take you seriously.!!

He's Just Not That Into You

so after seeing the movie, &. feeling compelled to make a dramatic change in my relationship life i deleted all the phone numbers of the guys that i either talk to, dated, talked to, had a fling with, considered more than a friend, or had some type of feelings towards bcuz i was convienced that hey guess what Scheherazade:
"he's just not that into you.!"
but that wasnt enough... i felt like i needed to do more... so i rushed to the book store. now i will admit my initial purchase was going to be Steve Harvey's book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" but they didnt have it yet (boooo.!) so i went w. my 2nd option but 1st reason for being at the book store in the first place: "to make a dramatic change in my relationship life" so i searched the store for book two. and found myself spending $16.44 on Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo "He's Just Not That Into You: The No Excuse Truth to Understanding Guys" &. oh boy let me tell you, if i didnt get the hint from watching the movie i have offically caught a clue &. will no longer be accepting the bullshit.! sorry fellas its just not gonna happen... &. since im talkin to the guys... arent you tired of playing games.? i mean i understand that we're all supposed to play the field but sheesh.! if you know that you dont want to be w. me now dont plan on being w. me in the near future or plan on using statements like "well i really like you im just stuck in my single ways" then why waste the time getting close.? so here let me offer some advice to save both of us sometime... if you dont want a relationship NOW.! you arent gonna want one LATER.! so leave me the hell alone, bcuz i didnt sign up for your mind games &. i dont need you signing me up on your own thank you very much.!!

10:90 :: my reading list

.1 he's just not that into you
.2 act like a lady think like a man
.3 video vixen
.4 why do black men like white women
.5 vixen diaries
.6 why do men like bitches


im not spending this 90 soul searching &. researching w.out some help.!!

7:90 :: debuts, movies, &. new beginings

so my weekend was somethin like crazy...but i can say for the most part it was one of the biggest leanring experiences ive had well since Ceasaryc (aka Batman)
lets start w. thursday since that was the last night i got regular sleep.! friday's work day cam &. went &. i found myself at HiFi rehearsal at 10p.. &. not leaving til about 12a i think... we took a trip to Lance's &. played rock band... me &. dani gotz vocals.!! [lol.!] i made it home around 4a &. felt the need to do my hair... so as i talked to Salome..the boo i did my do.!! &. was sleep by 5.45a... woke up ran errands visited daffi at work (good talks mommas.!)soowooped jem &. made it to sam's town to tech [HiFi Love.!]... we all got ready at my big heads house & kilt the show.! but b4 that i never really realized how strong "do unto others as you want done to you" holds true... i also never realized how naive a person can be... long story short i FiNALLY cried &. this time it wasnt abnout Bruce.!! (thank God.!)... after the show we partied &. then Jem &. i left because we were sleepy sleepy.!! i didnt wake up til 11.30ish did my hair saw my t.cup & my hammy took a nap &. went on a date w. Schae(yes myself.!)
"He's Just Not That Into You" put my ass in check.! i wont lie... Daffi was right about it kinda being hard taking it in one big dose since its a movie... but i need that ish.!! so there i am mindin my own business deletin numbers out of my fone when out of nowhere your favorite super villian comes askin if i was deletin his number too... &. instead of takin that ish in stride he turned it into an effin arguement AS USUAL.!! ugh.! i swear i dont understand what his problem is... my daddy said:

" tell that ni**a to stop bi**hin up.! okay he likes you, so what are you gonna do about it.? step up to the plate &. be everything i told her to expect or step aside so the man that IS ready can do what you didnt want to"

&. even though i ALREADY knew that it just seemed like it made more sense now that i was on this cleaning out my phonebook rampage... i wont lie &. say it doesnt kinda hurt tho like why the heck is it so hard to function w. your feelings.? women do it all the time why aren men so different.?? like did God program them so that love & care means something different for them.? like really what is it.? whatever all i DO know is... when a guy wants to talk to you he'll call(or aim if youre at work &. cant talk lol) bcuz thats what Babys Daddy Danny did today... but even w. that im still cautious on this situation... as much as ive been right when it comes to people in relationships i will admit it hasnt been a joyous victory =/

5:90 :: unspoken

i have no words for the way i feel right now.!!
besides crying
there is nothing else that
conveys how i feel at the moment
all i can say is wow.!!

&. be reminded that experiences, people, &. situations
like this one are the EXACT reason
why im on this hiatus.!

hiatus: (hi-a-tus)

hiatus: (hi-a-tus) n. 1. a break or pause 2.a gap in a series, making it incomplete 3. a gap in geological strata 4. a fissure in a bone 5. a small difference in pitch between two musical tones 6. a vacation

love II

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.- Lao Tse

4:90 :: "youre welcome"

(6:10:46am). babe! wake up i need to come stay with you! bay! 911....

that is what i was woken up by tuesday morning. my first thought was "why are you awake soo early &. what did you do thats requiring you to come ALL THE WAY to vegas to 'Runaway'.? so as i began to listen to this drama filled story and offer my advise (because me harboring fugitives was NOT an option.!) i suddenly noticed how often this happens to me, where guys i was talking to, dating, or exclusive with run to me as soo as something wrongs terribly wrong in their life AFTER we break up, stop talking, or i just flat out cut you off.!
what about me says "here i am to save the day.!" i've come to think that its because im so willing to help out my friends well the people that are important to me. often times providing for them before i do for myself. but thats just the way i was raised... constantly watching my mom help &. share &. cater to people all the time.
but i was once told by some random person when someone asks a favor of you if you dont want them to ask again when they say Thank you dont say "You're welcome" in return, by saying you're welcome is just allowing them to ask you again... but seems impolite right.? we were taught to say you're welcome when told thank you... but if taken litterally you're welcome is simply allowing that person to ask again... &. maybe not intentionally but could that be why the same people in my life ask me for the same favors all the time.? is it because i say you're welcome all the time or because they ask and i say yes.?

practice makes perfect

October 9, 2008 i posted a blog on words from s.love that read as follows:

..vive para el baile..

10.9.08

so i have offically decided as of yesterday(10.8.08) that i am on a serious dance mission i have from now until January 1st to train up... in every which way imaginable.! 3 classes a week between now and then gives me 36 classes give or take... not to mention the occasional workshop here & there (urban legands Nov. 15 & 16...whooo SD here comes HiFiLV.!!) so that way by the 1st i will be a BEAST.!! well not a "beast" presay but you get the idea... this is what i live for so im gonna put 200% into it...


..mylife..

looking back at the goal i set for myself and what i hoped to accomplish by the 1st of the year 2009 i must first say how easy it is to become distracted and discouraged when things get hard or when sometimes you just physically dont feel like doing it.! i will admit there was a period of time where my mind wasnt in it...but my heart still was... and as i sit at home after a night of rehearsal i can finally say that i am where i wanted to be with dance. im not at my full potential &. i am ALWAYS willing to learn &. grow but i feel a satifaction in what i have become up until this point. &. all i can do is smile... =)

3:90 why do you dance.?

so i had hi.fi homework last week and we were to read this article by Ray Benitez titled "Dancer's Plague" and to then follow up by answering the question "Why do you dance.?".....

thats the same question i asked myself when i was 9 years old and i was told my mother was misdiganosed with HIV, and in the begining i didnt know the answer, but as i got older i noticed that i danced more and the hunger to dance was more noticable when stuff in my life wasnt going the way i needed them to.

for example my mom getting into a car accident needing back surgury and us having to move to las vegas in the 7th grade. and now at 20 years old and looking cervical cancer in the face all i want to do is dance... dance because im scared, because im hurting emotionally &. physically, dance because its the only thing that makes me feel complete &. like i matter. i dance because its what im living for, because its the one thing people cant tell me im doing wrong because its an outward expression of how i feel on the inside.!!

mommy's questions

my mom asked me 3 questions on sunday that really got me thinking...and are apart of the reason why i started this whole hiatus... so i could figure out who i am &. what i want.
she asked:

1. what did you expect to have by the time you were 20.?

2. what do you want to have by the time you're 21.?

3. what type of relationship do I want.?

so by the time this hiatus is over and im that much closer to turning 21 i will have all 3 of these answered... and be confident with the answers i create.

appreciation

so for the past month or so ive been going through this back and fourth battle with my current room mate and having her boyfriend live there... something i am just NOT cool with.! but while watching her go through the motions of calling me all kinds of names playing child-like games and personafying her immaturity &. lack of responsibility in more ways than one i realized something VERY valid.

if you are not made to go without something..a car, a house food, etc. once you get your own you dont know how to appreciate it.

so as i sat and analyzed all the reasons why my roomate was actin the way she was and sayin what she was sayin i remembered how quickly she said "well i'll just go back with my mom" with no hesitation or second guess... and all i could do was laugh.! laugh at the fact that i wished it was that easy for me... to just move back w. my mom, you know pack up all my stuff and drive to L.A. and not look back.!

YEA EFFiN RiGHT.!!

i know what its like to not have... i know what its like to be homeless &. not know where you're resting your head. so as i read &. re.read her texts about how i was a

"rude selfish bitch"

i corrected the statement in my head... because im far from rude or selfish... i just know what its like to go without &. now that i have my own i refuse to let ANYBODY for ANY REASON take it from me.

2:90 :: the way i see it...

Agive: until you cant anymore
take: nothing in return
create: your own dreams
destroy: gossip
speak: your truth
love: until it hurts
hate: no one
live: your own life
cherish: your destiny
dance: like EVERYONE is watching
music: is life
talk: is cheap
thoughts: turn into actions
men: were boys
boys: will be boys
girls: are messy
women: just are
yesterday: is gone
today: is a present
tomorrow: is a surprise.!

love

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. - Sophocles

birds of a feather

As i sat in raising canes yesterday with Ashley we talked about current issues we were dealing with... her & Greg, Bruce & i, boys running away from their feelings, emotional unstableness, and as she was talking about bad influences i was side tracked by the well know statement

birds of a feather flock together

and unsurprisingly it is very true... for example when i was dating Ojay... he wasnt really doing anything with his life so in turn i stopped doing anything in my life. but on the other hand when i took a step back and saw people that i truely cared about gettin their stuff together i was motivated to not only get my stuff together but i was also drawn to them &. their positive energy.

My mom made a very valid statement last week...

Like likes Like

and at first i didnt understand but she simplified it for me... Stupid likes Stupid... Dumb likes Dumb... Pretty likes Pretty... so on and so fourth... so i began to apply this not only to myself but to the people i keep close... and it quickly allowed me to understand why some of yall are doing what you're doing, saying what you're saying, showin out, and getting mad at not only the truth of your situations but also at yourself because you've put yourself there... &. yes myself is included.!

We've all become comfortable in what we know. so comfortable that when someone who we think is our friend says something thats the truth insteading listening and heeding to the warning, we become defensive and shut them out (Candance.) only allowing other people to fall into our comfort with us (Jasmine.)

Ojay once told me that people laugh at the truth, thats why Katt Williams is soo funny. CORRECTiON people laugh at the truth when it has NOTHiNG to do with them THATS why Katt Williams is so funny...

1:90 days :: feelings

im emotional..you're emotional..could be why we always argue our..conversation short..we cant talk enuff..just become much too difficult..i dont know what to do..i dont know who to prove..this is more than me..soo much more than you..

i just cant decide..if its you i want..dont want to chose between having you in my life..or losing you for real..because ive got feelings..

im a stubborn girl..you're a stubborn guy.. could be why we fight all the time..if its not your way then it must be mine..we cant communicate..cant even compromise..i dont know what to do..i dont know who to prove..this is more than me..soo much more than you..

i just cant decide if its you i trust..dont want to chose between..having you in my life..or telling you goodbye..because i got feelings..

i just cant pretend..that you're just a friend.. you took it further..passion still remains..here we are again..because we caught feelings..